My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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