I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
