why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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