When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
