I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
