Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
