My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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