you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
