he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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