??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
