I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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