I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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