i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize