My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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