just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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