gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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