I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
