I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
