Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My cat gives me a boner
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
