When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Randomize
