hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
