I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
