Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize