just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize