You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize