Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
