after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
