I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
