I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
