Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
