So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
