Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
