I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
