I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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