I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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