While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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