We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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