I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
