Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
