Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
