my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
