From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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