I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
