YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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