Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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