Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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