Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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