shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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