I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
