Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
