he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
