glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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