bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
