i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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