craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
