I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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