ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
