now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize