Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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