You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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