i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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