apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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