At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
