Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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