We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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