Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You pole danced in your parka.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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