dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
