i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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