you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
