you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
