At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
