it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
