good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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