i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
