she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize