god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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